This article was featured in Digital Journal written by Baden Bower and published on September 22, 2022.
One of life’s most difficult decisions is what to do when one or both spouses believe their relationship is nearing its end. People can be thrown into deep emotional turmoil without the need for an economic downturn or a world war to happen. In most cases, just one major troubled relationship will suffice.
“Relationships are deeply personal and unique, so dictating whether a couple should stay together or split up is inappropriate. I can only offer some guidance on how to deal with it,” says health and relationship expert Dr. Ricky Arenson. Below, he lists “Five Simple Rules” to help people determine when it’s time to call it off.
1. Does your partner make you feel valued and respect your opinions?
Dr. Arenson: If your partner does not make you feel valued and appreciated, this is a serious issue.
It is “normal” for couples to bicker because of irritable moods and differences of opinion. Most relationships will survive and thrive despite occasional squabbles, provided there is no descent into abusive behaviour and there is an underlying infrastructure of love and goodwill.
When one partner seeks to control the other with disregard for their opinions and feelings, the conflict becomes “unhealthy.”
If you believe your opinions are being ignored, your feelings are not being taken into account, and your partner “punishes” you if they don’t get their way, it may be time to end the relationship or seek professional help.
2. Your children are your primary obligation
Dr. Arenson: If you have children, you are responsible for their well-being. Children are vulnerable, and their emotional health must always be a priority, regardless of whether you decide to stay together or not.
The worst thing is when angry parents use their children as weapons against each other. A decision to “stay together for the sake of the children” is a worthy consideration, but it is fraught with many potential pitfalls.
3. Ask Yourself “the Right Question”
Dr. Arenson: Ask the “Right Question” if you want to make the right decisions: “What do I want, and how much am I willing to pay to get it?” It is challenging to decide what to do unless you first define your desired outcome – clearly determine your long-term needs and aspirations.
The Right Question is helpful because it is difficult to negotiate if you don’t know what you want and what you are willing to compromise. Similarly, how can your partner meet your needs if you don’t even know what they are?
The second part of the “Right Question” addresses how much of yourself you’re willing to invest to achieve the desired outcome – what are you ready to give up for this relationship to work?
Extreme self-sacrifice rarely results in a positive emotional outcome in relationships.
4. Outcomes Should Be Proportional to Investment
Dr Arenson: If you consistently give generously but still feel unloved, empty, frustrated, or unhappy with your partner, then there is something wrong with your relationship or your expectations that needs to be addressed.
If you put your heart and soul into making another person happy, expecting a corresponding emotional reward is reasonable. An honest assessment of your relationship is whether you are receiving emotional compensation for your efforts.
If you are constantly giving without receiving much in return, it may be time to reconsider whether what you are doing is worthwhile or if the price has become too high without adequate dividends. Relationships are ultimately supposed to bring existential happiness and emotional fulfillment.
Even if you adore your partner, it is useful to evaluate outcomes regularly: Are you happy and fulfilled? Do you feel safe and at ease? Do you have warm, fuzzy feelings about your relationship or a sense of despair?
Abusive and narcissistic people can make their partners feel bad about themselves, perpetuating a cycle in which the narcissist takes while their partner continues to give. When something goes wrong, the victim is made to feel responsible and coerced into giving more to solve the problem.
Abuse frequently involves one partner attempting to control the other while disregarding their feelings and opinions.
5. There Is No “I” in Team
Dr. Arenson: If you want to survive as a couple, you must become a team. Be wary of partners who constantly talk about themselves to the exclusion of your needs and concerns. Narcissistic traits are bad for relationships, so turn on your “warning light” if your partner keeps saying “I” instead of “you” and “us” in every sentence.
Most successful collaborations necessitate unity of purpose, dialogue, and teamwork. If you can’t bring your team together to form an “us,” you’re going to lose.
For more information on Dr. Ricky Arenson and his best-selling book, “Women Are Superior To Men: The Real Secret To A Fantastic Marriage, Joyful Parenting, and Better Sex,” visit his official website and social media pages.
Baden Bower News
Baden Bower
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